The Effects Of Complacency in Marriage

pastor's wife, a resource article on marriage

Written by JB & Shugie Collingsworth

Early marriage bliss! Nothing could compare to it, and nothing could change how you felt. The warmth of a smile, a touch, or a short embrace would leave you feeling as if you had just flown…without a plane! You would look at him or her with awe and wonder how you could be so fortunate. Life was good!

What happens many times to that wonder and awe when we marry? What is it that can lead to the disintegration of marriage? Volumes of books could be written and there would not be enough paper to underscore all the problems couples face. Galatians 6:9 encourages us to “not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don't give up.” (HCSB) That verse probably should be etched on the hearts of every married couple who faces trials.

Five Ways to Combat Complacency
1. Prevent Minor Problems from Becoming Major Ones
Problems start snowballing unless we do something to stop them. I remember the call. It was from a newlywed couple—struggling with new issues, things that didn’t crop up before marriage. The husband said, “J.B. we want to get some minor things we see cropping up resolved before they turn into bigger issues—nothing major is going on, just minor things, but we need help.” Wow! I call that maximum efficiency—preventing minor problems from becoming major ones.
Why is it that many people settle for minimum efficiency marriages? God wants us to follow His plan, and often we choose the one of least resistance. Why? Because there are things that need to be changed that aren’t being changed, and things that need to take place that aren’t taking place.

2. Change Your Attitude
Ask your spouse, children, or even co-workers, “How is my attitude these days?” They will tell you the truth. If we are honest, we all struggle with this issue from time to time. I have always told my children,”The one thing I will not put up with is a bad attitude.” But if we struggle with negativity and ill will, unresolved hurts become bigger and bigger each day.

3. Get Motivated
Motivation plays a huge part in our lives. We must have a desire for things to get better. Have you ever given a woman a book and said, “This will really help you?” She will usually devour that book in no time. Give the average man a book and say that same thing, and many times it will sit and gather dust. Why is this? Some people are more motivated by change than others. I am not a “rut person,” I don’t even like driving the same way to work each day.

4. Be Willing to Do What it Takes
“Oh, I want to change and do better—I promise.” So many individuals struggle with this issue. One spouse wants one thing and the other spouse another. It is so important that we do what the other spouse needs us to do in order to be servants to one another. We are not to put one person over the other, but in loving-kindness we are to care for one another. When change needs to take place we must be mature enough to do what it takes.

5. Use Word Pictures to Communicate
I was talking to a man one time who just could not grasp what I was telling him he needed to do for his wife. He was clueless! Finally, to communicate that he was taking his wife for granted, I used a golf illustration. Being a golfer, he got it!

I simply said, “Pretend someone gave you some great clubs—your dream set. You took such good care of them when you got them, always cleaning them and the bag after each round. One day you stopped doing that each time you played. One night, you even left them outside in the rain. You began leaving them in the trunk of your car. Then one day you couldn’t find them only to remember you let someone borrow them and they broke your driver..."

The same is true of marriage…we may nurture it in the beginning but unless we cultivate it all along the way it will never be all God intended for it to be.

JB & Shugie Collingsworth travel around the country, coaching churches and couples on how to build strong marriages. Their ministry is based in the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex.