Achieve Unity in Marriage without Losing Your Uniqueness

Whitney Hopler



Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical application
of Jack and Judith Balswick's book, A Model for Marriage: Covenant,
Grace, Empowerment, and Intimacy, (IVP Academics, 2006).


If you want a fulfilling marriage, but fear that the relationship's
demands will swallow up your own personal fulfillment, take heart.
Experiencing the joy of unity with your spouse doesn't have to cost
you your uniqueness. By learning to become interdependent, you and
your spouse can become one without compromising your individual
distinctiveness. Here's how:



Look to the Trinity as your marriage model.
Realize that just as God exists in three distinct forms (the Father,
Son, and Holy Spirit) yet is also completely unified, your human
marriage can mirror that divine relationship. Know that God wants to
use your marriage to help both you and your spouse grow more and more
into the people He wants you to become. Understand that, through this
process, you each can be transformed into a unity that transcends what
either of you can be alone. Invite God to use each of your individual
strengths and weaknesses to create a thriving marriage.


Don't expect marriage to complete you.
Instead of viewing yourself as an incomplete person who needs your
spouse to make you whole, recognize that, in Christ, you are complete
alone. Remember that your true identity is as God's beloved child,
free because of all Christ has done for you. Rely on His unlimited
power rather than your own limited resources. Don't depend on your
spouse for what only God can give you. Ask God to show you which of
expectations you have of your spouse are unrealistic. Then let those
go. Focus on pleasing God rather than just pleasing your spouse. Don't
simply go along with whatever decisions your spouse makes because
you're not sure what your own opinions are; get to know your thoughts
and feelings, and learn to be comfortable expressing them clearly.
Approach marriage as a union of two complete people, secure in who
they are, working together toward a common purpose – to love God and
others more and more.


Don't live separate lives.
Rather than seeing yourself as independent of your spouse, recognize
that your lives are intertwined and that you each have a
responsibility to consider the other whenever you make decisions that
affect your life together. Be in close communication with your spouse
regularly and make choices that will enhance your emotional
connection. Listen to your spouse even more than you speak, so you can
come to understand what's important to him or her, and why. Know that
building a life together rather than separately will help you each
discover more personal fulfillment than you could experience on your
own.


Keep the covenant.
Decide to remain committed to your spouse, no matter what, and ask God
to help you love him or her unconditionally. Choose to make sacrifices
for the sake of your marriage, recognizing that both your own needs
and your spouse's needs are valid. Meet your spouse's basic needs for
belonging and bonding. Show your spouse that he or she can trust you.
If either of you has betrayed the other in the past, pursue healing
through the process of confession, forgiveness, and restoration. In
your sexual relationship, get to know what your spouse desires and
think of those desires as well as your own while trying to give your
best to each other.


Regularly serve your spouse through acts of kindness (such as making
meals and helping with chores and errands) to give him or her the
security of seeing your love in action.
Humbly recognize how much you continuously need God's grace; pray
about all your concerns and rely on the strength He will provide. Make
your marriage a collaborative venture in which you each do all you can
to create the best marriage possible.


Give each other grace.
Remember how much grace God gives you every day, and let your
gratefulness motivate you to offer grace to your spouse. Understand
that living in an atmosphere of grace will get rid of destructive
emotions like guilt, shame, and bitterness and inspire you and your
spouse each to work on changing for the better. Instead of blaming
your spouse for problems, accept the person he or she is – flaws and
all – and accept responsibility for your own contribution to the
problems in your marriage. Realize that trying to change your spouse
is futile; instead, pray for him or her persistently, trusting that
God will work through His Spirit to bring about real and lasting
change whenever your spouse seeks Him. Rely on God's help to forgive
your spouse whenever he or she makes mistakes.


Show appreciation whenever your spouse does something that blesses you.
Pray for the confidence to be who you are, rather than pretending to
be the person you think your spouse wants you to be. Give your spouse
the freedom to be authentic without fear of being criticized for it.
Respect and embrace each other's unique personality and gender
differences, and learn how to use those differences to complement each
other and build a stronger marriage. Don't let rigid, traditional
marriage roles frustrate you; recognize that there are many ways of
doing what needs to be done in your shared household. Think and pray
about creative solutions for assigning collaborative roles that take
advantage of each other's interests and talents and don't place too
much of a burden on one spouse over the other. Be flexible enough to
change role assignments for a season when each other's circumstances
or needs change.

Empower each other.
Remember that marriage is a relationship of equals who mutually submit
to each other out of reverence for Christ. Follow Christ's example of
self-giving by considering each other's needs rather than just your
own and serving your spouse out of love. Treat your spouse the way you
would like to be treated. Do all you can to help your spouse reach his
or her full potential, and welcome help that your spouse gives you.
Rather than just yielding to your spouse's wishes or trying to force
your own way, join forces to use each of your personal resources for
the good of your marriage and God's glory.


Ask God to give you and your spouse a vision for what He wants your
marriage to be like, and choose to mutually invest in your future
together.
Working together, seek to become all that God intends you to become,
both individually and as a couple. Express your views honestly and
directly, and encourage your spouse to do the same. Do your best to
understand each other's perspective and remember that two perspectives
are better than one when it comes to solving problems. Make yourselves
accountable to each other and make every effort to fulfill your
responsibilities to each other – not just to fulfill a duty, but
because you share genuine love.


Pursue intimacy.
Pray for the courage to be truly open and honest with your spouse
about your deepest thoughts and feelings. Take the risks necessary to
share your fears and dreams. Create a safe atmosphere for your spouse
to feel comfortable to do the same with you. Understand that your need
to be known is a valid one, and do your best to get to know your
spouse. Spend significant amounts of time talking and listening
together. Focus on listening attentively, putting your own agenda
aside to pay full attention to what your spouse is saying. Don't
interrupt or interpret your spouse's message while he or she is
talking. After your spouse is finished, repeat back the basic message
you heard in your own words to check whether or not you heard it
accurately. Pay attention to your spouse's body language and tone of
voice, as well, for cues to how he or she is feeling. Try to see the
issue from your spouse's point of view.


If either you or your spouse has been betrayed in the past, work
through the healing process together so you can regain trust.
Think and pray about how each of your families of origin have
influenced the way you relate to your spouse and others today. Then
work on changing unhealthy patterns to healthy ones. Remember that
sexual intimacy will strengthen your emotional intimacy as a couple.
Pray with and for each other regularly, and discuss your spiritual
journeys often. Whenever you encounter a crisis, reach out to God for
wisdom and comfort and turn to each other for courage and
understanding. Work to develop a marriage that can withstand any
difficulties you all might face.


Seek God's will together.
Whenever you're facing key decisions, seek God's will about them
through prayer, Bible reading and reflection, counseling, and feedback
from family, friends, and fellow church members.


Deal with conflict wisely.
Acknowledge and face the conflicts that come up in the normal course
of your marriage. Identify the core issue and focus just on that
without getting distracted. Agree to discuss the issue at a neutral
place and time. Come with a desire to use the conflict to help
strengthen your relationship. Refuse to bring up past mistakes. Avoid
emotional hot buttons when talking with each other. Don't dismiss your
spouse's concerns; take them seriously. Avoid "why" questions that
often lead to blame. Keep the conflict between the two of you, without
involving a third party. Don't ridicule your spouse. Respect each
other's right to veto the discussion if one of you breaks the rules
for fighting fairly. Take breaks at the end of each discussion round.
Work together to find creative solutions.


Keep your bond strong through different seasons.
As you and your spouse pass through the various seasons of marriage,
work together to revise your dreams and goals. For example, when you
have your first child, discuss how you'll incorporate your parenting
roles into your relationship, and when you retire, figure out how to
find fresh meaning in how you spend your time.


Balance work and family.
Be fair and flexible when assigning childcare, household chores, and
other duties to each other. Keep in mind each of your current work
schedules and other commitments, and do all you can to support your
spouse so neither of you becomes overwhelmed with your individual
responsibilities. Rather than just reacting to life's pressures, agree
with your spouse on priorities and develop a proactive plan for how to
handle every aspect of work and family life. Be willing to let
non-essential tasks go during particularly busy seasons, and welcome
help from family and friends.


Enjoy a healthy sexual relationship.
Remain faithfully committed to each other. Clearly and directly
express your personal sexual preferences and get to know your spouse's
as well. Respect each other's preferences, seek to please each other,
and don't coerce your spouse outside of his or her comfort zone. Know
each other's sexual history and work compassionately to help your
spouse find healing if he or she has experienced any past trauma such
as rape or abuse. Never use sex to control your spouse. Work out
conflicts regularly so you don't bring them into the marriage bed.
Keep your romance alive through creativity and fun. If either you or
your spouse desires sex more often than the other, work together to
find middle ground. The spouse with less desire can find some new ways
to be receptive, and the spouse with more desire can divert some
sexual energy into other activities that enhance your marriage. If
your marriage has been damaged by an affair, get counseling and do all
you can to reconcile.


Grow spiritually together.
Remember that God is using your marriage to help both you and your
spouse mature into the kind of people He wants you to become. If your
spouse is at a different level of spiritual maturity than you are
right now, seek to inspire and support each other. Listen to each
other's concerns with compassion. Pray together often. Read, study,
and meditate on the Bible together. Participate actively in church,
worshipping together. Take advantage of marriage enrichment events and
programs at your church. Find a couple you admire to mentor you. Work
in your community to serve others together. Go on retreats together.
Thank God regularly for the gift of your marriage. Rely on strength
from the Holy Spirit to incorporate your beliefs into your actions in
every part of your lives.


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Adapted from A Model for Marriage: Covenant, Grace, Empowerment, and
Intimacy, copyright 2006 by Jack O. Balswick and Judith K. Balswick.
Published by IVP Academic (a division of InterVarsity Press), Downers
Grove, Ill., www.ivpress.com.

Jack O. Balswick (Ph.D., University of Iowa) is professor of sociology
and family development, and director of marriage and family research
at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. He has twice
received an American Senior Fulbright Scholar Fellowship. He has been
associate editor of the Journal of Marriage and Family, Family
Relations, Journal for Scientific Study of Religion and Religious
Research Review. He has authored or co-authored articles in over 70
professional publications and has presented papers at conferences
around the world. He is author or coauthor of 17 books, including Men
at the Crossroads, The Family: A Christian Perspective on the
Contemporary Home, The Gift of Gender, Social Problems: A Christian
Understanding and Response, Relationship Empowerment Parenting,
Authentic Human Sexuality and The Reciprocating Self: Human
Development in Theological Perspective.

Judith K. Balswick (Ed.D., University of Georgia) is a licensed and
practicing marriage and family therapist in practice for over thirty
years and taught for over twenty years in the marriage and family
therapy program at Fuller Theological Seminary, Pasadena, California.
She has served on the editorial board of Marriage and Family: A
Christian Journal since 1997 and she has contributed articles to that
journal and to several others, including Family Ministry Journal,
American Journal of Pastoral Counseling, Journal of Psychology and
Christianity and Marriage Partnership. She is author or coauthor of
The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home, The Gift
of Gender, Mothers and Daughters Making Peace, Raging Hormones, Life
Ties, Then They Leave Home, Family Pain, Relationship-Empowerment
Parenting, The Two Paycheck Marriage and Authentic Human Sexuality.