Five promises essential to a great marriage

for personal/ministry resource

by Manda Gibson
source: Rick Warren's Ministry ToolBox


I Promise small group curriculum Looking for a small group curriculum that can help the marriages of your church? Look no further! This new Purpose Driven curriculum focuses on the
five promises that can revolutionize a marriage. For more information about the I Promise curriculum,

LAKE FOREST, Calif. (PD) — Relationship expert Gary Smalley used to wonder why marriages are so difficult. "Why did God put a man and a woman together?" he asked.

Then 10 years ago, his son and researchers at the Smalley Relationship Center set out to eradicate divorce in America. Though they didn't end divorce, they discovered what Smalley believes is the single greatest factor for building a successful marriage: security.

All people need satisfying relationships, Smalley said. "The more we're connected in a loving relationship, the healthier we are on all levels. That's a natural, God-given desire that people have everywhere."

People only stay connected in meaningful, loving relationships when they feel secure, he said. "Most of my books in the past were all about skills and ways to better connect, but what I never understood is that you can use skills all day long, but if you don't have security, nothing works."
Security means feeling safe (that you won't be criticized or condemned), feeling honored (that your mate values who you are and wants to understand you), and having commitment (that you will stay together for life).

"You can have all the candlelight dinners and romantic sunsets on the beach in Hawaii that you want, but if you don't feel safe, none of that matters," he said.


Security is achieved when a couple keeps five promises, Smalley said.


Promise 1: I promise to conform my beliefs to God's truthWhat your mate does or says doesn't determine your happiness, Smalley said. Happiness is the result of the beliefs you have in your own heart.

"As I hide God's Word in my heart, that develops my own beliefs," he said. "My beliefs determine my feelings, my thoughts, my words, and my
actions."

For 38 years, Smalley tried to change his wife's exercise habits. His efforts always resulted in arguments. Three years ago, he stopped trying to change
his wife. Now he spends his time working to change his own heart by memorizing Scriptures that help him live according to God's truth. He no longer feels the need to criticize, judge, or blame other people.

"The first promise is so powerful that it gets the husband and wife's focus off of changing their mate and onto changing themselves," he said. "Instead
of noticing the speck in my wife's eye, I want to notice the log in my eye."


Promise 2: I promise to be filled by GodPromising to be filled by God means you establish God as the only source of life and stop trying to make your spouse fill God's role, Smalley said.

He says people should do five things every day to be filled by God:
Crave God with your whole heart.
Be grateful that God sent Jesus.
Allow the Holy Spirit to give you love, life, and fulfillment.
Accept every trial as a gift of God, a trophy conforming you into his image.
Recognize you're a server of people, not a user of people.


Promise 3: I promise to find God's best in every trial"With all the trials I'm going to face, I can boast, be thrilled," Smalley said. "It gives me patience, endurance, more of his character."

Years ago, Smalley worked for a well-known Christian leader. "He used to hurt my feelings all the time," Smalley said. "He's my number-one trophy.
God used him to break me and mold me into his image."

Smalley says that most mates try to change the characteristics they find irritating in the other. "That's the worst thing you can do," Smalley said. "What
you want to do is thank your mate in creative ways – flowers, gifts, whatever you can. You say, ‘I'm so grateful for you because God's using you to make me more like him.'"


Promise 4: I promise to listen and communicate with loveA spouse's goal in every marital disagreement should be to help the other person win. "If you help your mate win while they help you win, then you stay in harmony. Your mate's not your enemy. They're on your team," Smalley said.

Instead of looking at disagreements as negative conversations, view them as doorways to intimacy, he suggested.

Promise 5: I promise to serve you all the days of my life"When you're a servant of your mate and you lay down your life for your mate, it's pretty easy for them to respond," Smalley said. "I've never met a woman anywhere in the world who wouldn't submit to a man who has already laid down his life for her and her well-being."

In order to serve your spouse, you need to discover what they need, Smalley said. "Meet those needs where you can," he said. "Where you can't, God promises to meet all their needs anyway."


A small group curriculumSmalley leads couples through the five promises in a new Purpose Driven small group curriculum – I Promise: How 5 Commitments Determine the
Destiny of Your Marriage – and the book, I Promise, released by Integrity Publishers.

"Five years after the average couple divorces, they wish they wouldn't have," Smalley said. "They didn't know that they actually could have worked this out.

"That's why this is such a powerful, important project that I've worked on. It's the essence of 40 years of ministry put into one curriculum and one book."

Ultimately, Smalley says, marriage is about two people becoming godly, not about them being happy, although happiness results from a healthy marriage. "The more we are like him, the safer our mate is going to feel. The safer they feel, the more naturally we become best friends."