Is Your Love for Your Spouse Conditional?

for personal/ministry resource
by Crosswalk

Is Your Love for Your Spouse Conditional?
Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg
America's Family Coaches


Have you ever found yourself irritated with your spouse – not liking
him or her very much – even though you know you love your spouse? Most
of us have had those days! It's perfectly normal. No two people can
live together for any length of time without once in awhile rubbing
each other the wrong way.

What's important is how you handle these kinds of times. If you let
those feelings of hurt or disappointment take over – your marriage
will suffer. You will create a rift in your relationship. So you have
to make a choice. You have to decide to love. You may not feel loving,
but if you decide to love, the feelings will follow.



You have to learn to demonstrate unconditional love to your spouse.
Unconditional love is necessary for a strong marriage. Are you
practicing unconditional love in your marriage? Here are some
questions to consider:

• Have you accepted your spouse's failures or weaknesses?

• Do you support your spouse, or do you see his or her weaknesses as
projects to fix?

• Are you afraid to be honest because your spouse might not accept you?

There is a huge difference between unconditional love and conditional
love. Conditional love blames a person, expects things in return, and
asks for more. Unconditional love accepts the person, expects nothing
in return and sacrifices.

Conditional love says:

• "I will love you only if…"

• "I don't know if I can handle the tough times. If things get too bad
I'm outta here."

• "I might not be able to forgive you if you tell me…"

Unconditional love says:

• "I will love you even if…"

• "I will stay with you no matter what. I will always love you, even
in the tough times."

• "I know I'll still love you if you tell me…"

Your spouse isn't perfect and you are the one person who sees all his
or her faults and fears. What do you do with what you know about your
spouse?

• Do you tease your spouse with hurtful words?

• Worse, do you tease your spouse with hurtful words in front of others?

• Do you put your spouse down?

• Do you withhold your love until your spouse corrects certain faults?

If you answered "yes" to a majority of these questions, you are loving
conditionally and creating a huge fault line that can at any moment
open up and become a large chasm between you. Conditional love creates
a marriage in which each spouse is more concerned with getting his or
her own way, instead of showing their spouse grace and love.

Your response and connection to your spouse are crucial to the health
of your marriage and family. Your expression of unconditional love and
acceptance is the force that will hold you together in the midst of
the testing times in your marriage. Your standing with each other in
the painful times as well as the good times is one of the primary
elements of a great marriage.

If you love each other conditionally, you'll end up living like two
immature children – each trying to get your own way and resenting the
other person when you don't. You may still be married, but you'll miss
out on the joy of a great marriage. Also, husbands and wives who don't
get unconditional love in their marriage may look for it somewhere
else. And while they're looking for that unconditional love – they're
pulling away from their spouse.

Learning unconditional love is worth it, but it's not easy. Giving
your spouse the security of your unwavering love requires grace,
patience, affirmation of the good things, encouragement, respect and
time. Even when you don't feel like showing love, do it anyway. You
need it; your spouse needs it; your marriage needs it.

Here are some tips on how to keep your dream marriage alive.

• Talk through the issues. Communicate freely with each other and keep
no inappropriate secrets.

• Love each other deeply, without strings. Forgive your spouse when
you are wronged and seek forgiveness when you offend.

• Begin each day by asking, "What can I do for you?" Eagerly seek to
discover and meet each other's needs.

• Hang tough. Pray without ceasing. Instead of caving in to difficult
circumstances, face and conquer them.

• Focus on Christ, and love your spouse. Consciously guard yourselves
against threats and temptations that could pull your marriage apart.

• Pray together daily. Stay close. Work at maintaining emotional,
physical and spiritual closeness.

• Keep the chemistry with your spouse alive. Be committed to keeping
your relationship fresh.

Keeping your marriage strong, vibrant and fresh isn't always easy. But
if you put in the time and effort, you'll discover how truly amazing
your marriage can be.


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Portions of this article were adapted from "The Great Marriage Q&A
Book," Copyright 2006 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, all rights
reserved. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,www.tyndale.com.
To order this resource or to find our more about Dr. Gary and Barb –
Your Marriage Coaches, visit www.drgaryandbarb.com or call
1-888-608-COACH.


Married over 30 years, the parents of two adult daughters and four
grandchildren, Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, your marriage coaches, have
a unique blend of insight and wisdom that touch people of all ages.
Together with Gary's 25,000 hours of counseling experience and
Barbara's gift of encouragement and biblical teaching, they are
equipping thousands of families across the nation through their
interactive daily radio program, conferences, and marriage and family
resources.