Decoding the Differences between Men and Women

a personal/ministry resource from Crosswalk

Decoding the Differences between Men and Women
Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg


It's something we hear from couple after couple: men and women are so
different! How can my spouse and I learn to understand each other?

Men and woman sure are different! It doesn't take science to tell us
that. All we need to do is look at how any group of guys or girls
interact to begin to see some differences. Obviously, these are
generalities, but here are just a few of the differences between men
and women:

• When guys need encouragement, they typically go for the slap on the
back from the guys on the court. When women need encouragement, they
want hugs from their supportive friends.

• Men look to their friends to be just company. Women want emotional
connection in friendships. For women, it hasn't been a good time if
they haven't had a good laugh or a good cry.

• Men think of intimacy in physical terms (S-E-X); women think of
intimacy in emotional terms (T-A-L-K).

So how are you supposed to know what your husband or wife wants and
needs? Well we've done part of the work for you! For our book, The
Five Love Needs of Men and Women, we surveyed more than 700 couples
from across the country and asked them to rank what they needed from
their spouse. The results may surprise you!

Here's a look at the top five love needs for husbands and wives – and
how you can meet your spouse's needs.

A Wife's Top 5 Love Needs

1. Unconditional Love and Acceptance. Imagine your spouse loving you
completely, without even hesitating over your mistakes. Sounds just
like Christ, doesn't it? That's the core of unconditional love, and He
is the source of it. You can reflect God's love for her and your love
for her by encouraging her, standing with her, complimenting her,
respecting her opinion, talking with her—and listening, spending time
with her, and serving her.

2. Emotional Intimacy and Communication. When your wife hears the word
intimacy, she thinks about emotional connection and communication. She
wants a marriage that has vulnerable sharing of inner thoughts,
feelings, spirit, and true self. Listen to her. Show her an
understanding heart. Give her attention and affection. Build rapport
with her. Resolve conflict and safeguard your relationship.

3. Spiritual Intimacy. A wife wants a marriage as a cord with three
strands: God, husband, and wife. She wants God to be inextricably
woven throughout the marriage relationship. She needs to be growing
spiritually and watching you grow spiritually and leading the home. To
do so, encourage her spiritual growth, encourage her fellowship with
you and others, encourage her to express her spiritual gifts, and
encourage her with your prayers.

4. Encouragement and Affirmation. To keep a bounce in her step, give
her daily doses of encouragement. Tell her she's your best friend,
that she's the best wife, give her some space when she needs it, leave
her thank-you notes, and give your wife extra help with chores.
Encourage her by understanding her wiring, giving her first place,
pointing out her potential, and appreciating her contribution.

5. Companionship. To your wife, friendship means heart-to-heart
communication, special time away with you, and growing old together.
It involves togetherness. She needs you to work hard at your marriage
– to laugh together, play together, stay the course, and work out the
inevitable differences between you.

A Husband's Top 5 Love Needs

1. Unconditional Love and Acceptance. When your husband needs your
unconditional love, it simple means that he needs you to love him and
receive him no matter what. Unconditional love starts with God. He
loved us even though we didn't deserve us. He loves us even though we
are full of pride and self-centeredness. In the same way, put aside
your own needs to meet your husband's needs.

2. Sexual Intimacy. Less than 50% and up to 90% of a man's self-image
is locked up in his sexuality. Sex, passion, pleasing the woman he
loves – that's what makes a man feel like a man. Consequently, when a
man experiences sexual rejection from his wife, he may shut down, pull
away—or worse—do something morally stupid. To meet his sexual needs,
talk to God about any hesitation you have. Start with your own heart,
learn what satisfies your husband, and commit yourself to meet his
needs.

3. Companionship. Are you the one person your husband can count on
when the rubber meets the road? Your husband needs your friendship. He
needs to know – deep down – that he is safe to explore with you what
is churning around in his heart and mind. Let your husband know you
want to be his best friend. Make your relationship a safe place for
your husband to face his pain, and be willing to love sacrificially.

4. Encouragement and Affirmation. Your husband will feel discouraged
and defeated when he doesn't hear you cheering him on – or he'll seek
the applause somewhere else. When he knows that he's the only one in
your world, the walls around your marriage grow stronger. Encourage
him to hear your applause. Encourage him by reminding him of God's
work in his life. Most important: pray for him to hear the applause of
heaven – to know God is on his side!

5. Spiritual Intimacy. Your husband needs to be growing spiritually.
He needs spiritual connection—with God, with you, and with other men.
Being the spiritual leader of your family is the toughest job your
husband will ever take on. Your husband needs your help. Encourage him
to spend personal time in the Word, talk about Scripture with him,
pray with him, pray for him, and make time for fellowship and worship
together.

Meeting your spouse's love needs is one of the most important
responsibilities you have in your marriage. So take the time to learn
your spouse's love needs – and meet them! It will bring you closer and
help you build an extraordinary marriage!


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Portions of this article were adapted from "The 5 Love Needs of Men
and Women," Copyright 2000 by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg, all rights
reserved. Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
www.tyndale.com. To order this resource or to find our more about Dr.
Gary and Barb – Your Marriage Coaches, visit www.drgaryandbarb.com or
call 1-888-608-COACH.