Holidays Not Always Happy For Ministers' Wives

Holidays Not Always Happy For Ministers' Wives, Panel Says
Written by Chris Turner
source: lifeway

NASHVILLE, Tenn., 11/27/06 -- Shirley Cross knows what it's like to not be "Patty Perfect" - and still survive.

"It's been an interesting season each year to go through because each year brings the different stresses," said Cross, a pastor's wife, employee of LifeWay Christian Resources, former missionary and mother of two. "How do you handle prioritizing the church parties and the family time? Issues with going to see family also was always a stress because you had to find time. And a lot of times, you not only had the concern about 'is there time to go,' but [also] 'is something going to happen with a church member in the church' [when you leave]?"

The last six weeks of every year are supposed to be the most festive times of the year, especially for Christians. Families gather for big Thanksgiving meals and just weeks later gather again to celebrate the birth of Christ.

The herald angel ushered in Jesus' arrival with, "Behold, I bring you good news of great joy." Unfortunately, many times for ministers' wives, the only good news they hear during the holiday season is that they have almost made it through to January. The stress of balancing the realities of their lives against the expectations of other people can sap them of the great joy they long to experience during the holidays.

Cross was part of a panel discussion recently recorded for an episode of Inside LifeWay (found at LifeWay.com/InsideLifeWay), the official news podcast of LifeWay Christian Resources. Cross joined Barney Self, Chris Adams and Inside LifeWay host Brooklyn Noel to discuss the great stress ministers' wives face around Thanksgiving and Christmas. Self is a licensed family counselor and a member of LifeWay's pastoral ministries team. Adams is the women's enrichment and ministers' wives specialist in the training and events area of LifeWay's church resources division. She formerly served as a special ministries coordinator at Green Acres Baptist Church in Tyler, Texas.

Ministers' wives often feel the pressure to be "Patty Perfect" during the holiday season, being the perfect hostess or guest, or providing the perfect gift - for everybody. Unfortunately, while ministers' wives may be smiling on the outside, the panel said, inside they are "probably screaming," hoping to survive until January.

"They cannot always afford to go and visit family, or because of church responsibilities they're not able to leave and go be with family," Adams said. "So sometimes it can be really lonely for them.

"There is also the issue of finances," she said. "Who do you buy presents for? Do you try to have something at your home, a little gift of some sort to give to those who come by your home? Where do you stop the gifts? Is it with other staff members? Is it with other congregation members?"

Adams also said the expectation to be at so many Sunday school parties or other gatherings can be a financial burden for those ministers' families with smaller children, which translates into a considerable expense for babysitting. Self said the expectations "are ubiquitous."

"There is a significant need for ministers' wives and ministers to show a graceful balance and say, 'yes, we love you but no, we are not coming to your party,'" Self said. "That is a way to affirm those who are inviting but it is also a way to draw the line as well.

"I think the ministers themselves can help their wives by defining for the church what's appropriate," Self added. "Very often the minister doesn't do that. He just sort of plays a passive role and takes it as it comes. Which means he brings home the list of Sunday school parties and there's an expectation that they're going to go to all of them."

Cross acknowledged wives have the fear that people don't want to hear "no." She said ministers' wives often fall prey to wanting to be people pleasers and fear saying no will offend church members. But, she said, saying "no" is a learning process, and one that is a necessity if wives are going to enjoy the season and help create a meaningful time for their own families.

"In order for balance to occur there needs to be an awareness of both sets of needs and expectations," Self said. "If you try to meet all of the needs it will not work. Often ministers' wives ignore their own needs and focus on the needs of others. This is a set-up for trauma in the family of the minister."

Adams said church members can look for ways to minister to their ministers' families by praying for them and doing something special for ministers' wives to acknowledge their contribution to the ministry. Self added that this is a difficult time of the year emotionally for many people in the church and it adds extra stress on ministers and their families.

"I think it's critical for the ministry body to be lifted up in prayer … by the congregation and certainly by specific groups within the church that are really committed to the church life being the best it can be," he said. "I think bathing ministers and their families in prayer, especially during this season, is vital because the pressures on them are greater."

Visit LifeWay.com/InsideLifeWay to listen to the entire discussion or for a complete transcript.