Five Things Every Son Needs from His Dad

by Ken R. Canfield , Ph.D.


We used to be boys, so we have a natural companionship with our sons;
our natural interests tend to merge more easily with them than our
daughters. Unfortunately, although it's easier for us to be with our
sons, it's still too often a distant relationship. We need to be
intentional about building a close connection with our sons and giving
them a healthy model of what it means to be a boy, a man, and a
father.

Even more importantly, we need to be intentional about raising young
men of faith. Based on research I've done with about 2,000 fathers, I
have identified 5 key things that sons need from their dads:

A Plan

Sons need dads who are thinking about their futures and taking action
to prepare them — whether we're talking about tomorrow, next week,
next year, or ten years from now. Financial planning makes a good
comparison because our regular, consistent investments will pay rich
dividends for our sons' futures.

What specific things should we plan for? Well, first, we need a plan
for our son's vocational future — which includes much more than
targeting him as a doctor, computer technician or musician. You want
him to have a fulfilling career that pays the bills and contributes to
society, but even more importantly, pay attention to how he can
develop and express his talents in a way that pleases God. Then
encourage him to pursue those avenues.

Next, there's his relational future. Address what to look for in a
mate, discuss what it takes to make a marriage work, and pray for that
little girl or young lady who will someday be his wife.

Third, give some thought to rites of passage — benchmarks along the
way that help signal new levels of maturity and responsibility and
that affirm him and bless him as a beloved son. Plan ahead to give
special recognition to these rites of passage.

Also, I'd suggest listing some skills, attitudes, and values to
instill in your son by the time he leaves home. You might include
financial stewardship, the ability to delay gratification, prayer,
basic auto maintenance, thankfulness, perseverance, honesty, a work
ethic, modesty, or family togetherness. Make a list, and check it from
time to time as a reminder. You've heard the saying: if you fail to
plan, you have planned to fail.



An Example

I like to think of Jeremiah 35, where the prophet mentions Jonadab –
an exemplary leader who wasn't an Israelite. As a result of his
example, his sons followed his responsible lifestyle for generations.
That's the kind of power our example can have.

As Jonadab's story shows, a dad's example really encompasses all
aspects of life. But let me mention a few areas where we need to be
intentional about modeling:

First, we need to model godly emotions. We can help our sons regulate
their emotions and express them in responsible ways by regulating our
own emotions. Take note: regulating emotions is not the same as hiding
them. A lot of dads hide their emotions, like they are weaknesses. But
our sons need to see a healthy, balanced display of our "feelings
side."

Another key aspect of regulating our emotions is getting a hold of our
anger. James 1 urges us to be "slow to become angry. For man's anger
does not bring about the righteous life that God desires." If we want
our sons to enjoy the righteous life that God desires, we especially
need to learn to regulate our anger.

Our sons also need our examples as husbands — especially boys who have
experienced a family break-up. If you are not married, find ways to
model honor and respect to your son's mother even if it is difficult
for you.

Commit today to keeping your vows if you are married. When we do the
work to build a strong marriage -- the communication, the thoughtful
gestures and so on — that creates powerful pictures for our sons.

Remember, our sons need reference points in life, and usually actions
speak louder than words.




A Monitor

Boys need their father to keep track of them, hold them accountable,
and correct them when necessary. The headlines are filled with stories
of boys and young men who weren't monitored in a healthy way. We must
teach our sons that we're watching them, and we're not going to stand
by when they disregard what God's Word says is best for them.

I encourage dads to check in regularly with their sons — especially on
two issues:

Respect. Many young men have lost a sense of respect, and it
especially shows in their speech. We hear them trash-talking, cursing
and joking coarsely, or denigrating women. We need to monitor the way
they talk, and teach them to use their speech for positive ends — like
articulating thoughts and feelings, building relationships, and giving
encouragement. Passages like Ephesians 4:29 and 5:4 and Colossians 4:6
can help us set goals for our sons in their speech

Purity -- Given how easy it is to slip up in this area, we need to
check in regularly to see how our sons are doing. This also relates
back to the example we give our sons. We need to honestly ask
ourselves if we are living a life of purity — making a covenant with
our eyes and claiming the Holy Spirit's power to overcome temptation.

We know that alluring images assault us from all sides, and we need to
prepare our sons for battle. We can tell them exactly what to expect,
talk through scenarios where they'll be tempted, and read together
from passages like 1 Corinthians, about "fleeing from sexual
immorality." We can talk about channeling our energies in healthy
ways, like exercise, and encourage them to pray daily for strength —
and don't forget to pray for his purity as well.

Specific Spiritual Goals

These are events, experiences, or habits that help to activate your
son's faith and teach him what it means to live a life pleasing to
God. Hebrews 11:6 says that "without faith, it is impossible to please
God." We can focus on three areas that are important to a son's
spiritual development:

Respect for authority. Recently, I told a group of young women that as
they think about what they want in a husband, it's important to ask,
Does he respond to authority in a proper way? Does he respect those
who are over him? Teaching your son to submit to legitimate authority
-- and modeling submission in your own life -- will help teach your
son the humility and dependence he needs to walk by faith in the
unseen.

Worship. Dads, by your example, your son will learn to pray. By your
leadership, he will learn to study and memorize the scriptures.
Through you, he will gain an appreciation for worship, repentance,
confession of sins, and other acts of devotion to God.

Many fathers are absent from equipping their sons as worshipers with a
vibrant faith. And if boys grow up without a masculine model of
spiritual vitality, they may view faith as a feminine pursuit. As we
see in Jesus' example, a real man shows both compassion and strength,
humility and decisiveness. So while we strive to model submission,
humility and love, we also have a unique role in showing our sons that
walking by faith also requires masculine toughness, resourcefulness,
and courage.

Real-life experiences of faith in action. Give them many memorable,
life-changing experiences serving others — from the family broken down
on the side of the road ... to the inner-city project or homeless
shelter in your community ... to the mission trip in Brazil.

Love

Colossians 3:12-14: "Clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive
whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the
Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds
them all together in perfect unity."

Those verses describe the love we need to give our sons and to
cultivate in our sons. In practical terms, that love is defined by
responsible actions toward others.

Good communication is vital. We fathers need to make communication a
high priority, so once again, we teach by example and practice. In a
nutshell, we listen first before making our opinions known, and we do
away with lectures in favor of two-way discussions. We're also open to
receiving feedback, even if it's negative. And most importantly — we
take the initiative in rebuilding relationships when fractures occur.
We have the courage to admit when we're wrong and seek forgiveness.
Those are all demonstrations of love that will have an impact on our
sons' development.

The other key factor we need to cultivate is closely related, but
worth mentioning separately: showing affection. Boys with affectionate
fathers develop positive self-esteem, they tend to thrive in
schoolwork, and have fewer gender identity issues. So, instead of a
pat on the back or a tousle of the hair, give your son a big,
old-fashioned bear hug — and do it often.

Verbal affection is important as well. Positive words give sons
confidence and belonging, and again provide a model of a man who can
express love in healthy ways. We need to tell our sons how much they
mean to us, point out their positive character traits, and just say,
"I love you, and I'm proud to be your dad."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Excerpt from an essay by a boy in 2nd grade:

"My dad is the best dad ever. He taught me how to make a wooden
airplane. It was the best plane ever. We are true pals. I would kiss a
pig for him."

Excerpt from an essay by a boy in 8th grade:

"One of the funnest times I have had with him was on a camping trip
with the boy scouts. We fished, hiked, and carved wood. At night, he
snored so loud we thought it was a bear. It was a great experience."

Excerpt from an essay by a boy in 2nd grade:

"My dad is a really good fisher. He works hard so that mom can stay
home with me and my sister and take care of us. My dad likes to play
with warrior toys. Even though he doesn't want anyone else to know. I
also like when we watch sports together and he jumps around and yells
at the TV. But I guess what my dad really means to me - he is my best
friend, my role model, and when I grow up, I want to be just like him.
Someone who loves his family so much that he sacrifices everything of
himself. I love my dad."

Excerpt from an essay by a boy in 7th grade

"He's the type of guy that you can talk to about school, other boys or
just plain girlfriends."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The National Center for Fathering was founded in 1990 by Dr. Ken
Canfield because every child needs a dad they can count on -- someone
who loves them, knows them, guides them and helps them achieve their
destiny. Visit www.fathers.com for more articles and resources to
assist dads in nearly every fathering situation.