The Pastor's Wife and the Seasons of Leadership

Mrs. Miriam Lofquist

There are many leadership qualities needed in the role of pastor's wife. These qualities vary with time and change as the ministry progresses. A leader is: watched, sought out, expected to lead and expected to love. Like a leader, a pastor's wife is also watched, sought out by others, expected to take the lead and expected to love those around her.


From the very beginning, as you and your husband stand nervously at the front of the church on your first Sunday, you are being watched. You are now part of the leadership of this group of people and they want to SEE what you do, SEE who you are, and SEE why God brought you to them. The women especially will all be watching you. I wasn't fully aware of this in our first ministry. The congregation does watch me - how I respond to my husband, how I handle my children, and how I treat others. Especially important is how I respond to my husband.

You are in a Sunday school class and your husband is the teacher. Do you correct him in front of the entire class? Or quietly talk to him later? Do you laugh at his weaknesses or proudly support him? As he talks, do you interrupt him to make a comment, or give him respect as the teacher? Many ministries have been harmed by a wife who cannot follow and instead wants to take the lead. To a watching class or congregation the husband will not be seen as the leader he needs to be. As a husband/wife team in the ministry you want to help your husband be a good leader. Correcting him or verbally telling him what to do in front of everyone does not help the team. It only brings harm to your husband, to your marriage relationship and to those observing your actions. Honor your husband in all ways, and he will be a better leader.


Not only does the congregation watch you, but so does the community you live in. Your neighbors may not know another pastor's wife so they are watching you closely. Once at a checkout stand I was introduced to the cashier as "this is my pastor's wife" - no name - just the title. Now the cashier is watching me even closer. Jesus was watched by all as He ate, as He talked, as He lived, and His goal was to bring glory to His Father by doing His Father's will (Heb. 10:7b). That is my goal as a pastor's wife - yes, I'm being watched, but more importantly, God is watching me and I want to obey and please Him just as Jesus did (John 8:29b).

However, being watched is not all bad - some people watch and see that you are tired, upset, in need of some material things and they then respond in many different ways to encourage you - whether with a hug, a flower, a note, a word or a gift.

As a pastor's wife you are also going to be sought out by others. In a small church the ladies may call often and share the days' sorrows and joys. When I was younger this was the main reason I was sought out. As I have grown older and our ministry has changed, I have been sought out for deeper reasons - for example, a conflict between two ladies in our church that needs to be resolved. The first time I received a phone call for this very reason, my heart started to pound and my mind raced. I felt totally unprepared and inadequate. Thank God He was and is there to give His wisdom and truth when we ask.

Many moments of my Sunday are spent listening to those who come and find me and need a listening ear, encouragement or some kind of advice or help. I find this happening more as I grow older. My skills at listening, patiently standing as someone talks to me, have also matured as I have grown older. In our first years of ministry I was more focused on myself, my husband, and my children and indifferent to others. I thank God that He never gave up on me, but instead brought tough circumstances into my life that molded me into a better listener, a warmer, more empathetic person and one who wants to love as Christ loves.

Another side of leadership is your seeking out women and initiating conversation. I know that some pastor's wives would classify themselves as shy. However, you need to be the one who initiates conversation, that seeks out other women and talks with them. Jesus did both - He listened when others talked and He initiated conversations. When Les and I are at a fellowship dinner we rarely sit together. At first I felt uncomfortable being alone without him to keep the conversation moving. But now I realize the great asset it is to have both of us initiating conversation with others and covering many more people that way. It is sometimes out of my comfort zone, but I have always found it a blessing to talk with new people.

A pastor's wife is also automatically expected to lead. Upon arrival at one of our ministries, a woman immediately came up to me and asked when I wanted to take over the position as President of the Women's group. This lady thought that the pastor's wife automatically would take over these roles in the church. A pastor's wife will be expected to lead, sub for a class at a moment's notice, called on to pray at special functions, asked to give a devotional and scheduled to speak at ladies functions. Expect these things, but don't try to do them all. Of course in a smaller church you will find yourself doing more. Our first ministry was smaller and so I was needed in many areas: teacher, pianist, secretary, nursery worker, etc. At that time in our life, I was raising twins and so was quite busy. Now that our five children are older and we have a larger congregation, I am able to choose areas to serve in as I sense God's leading.

As a leader you also set a tone among the women. You lead in your attitude and they follow. It is very important to have a Spirit-led attitude desiring to model the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). Any other attitudes on your part will cause problems for the ministry. Be ready and willing to admit to one another your mistakes, your sins, and be willing to forgive. One huge lesson that I have taken to heart in the past 22 years of ministry is the need for me to "make every effort to be a peacemaker." I am not to be the one that divides the team of those ministering at church, but rather the one who tries to keep a reign on my tongue and speak with thoughtfulness and wisdom.

Early on in ministry I struggled with this very thing, speaking careless words, and deeply regretting it. My prayer is that my words would be "seasoned with salt" and heal, not harm relationships I have with women in our church. The pastor's wife should be the one who puts out potential "fires," not the one who speaks and fans the flames!

As a pastor's wife, you are also expected to show love for the congregation. It is difficult starting at a church where you know no one. You aren't sure what they expect of you. Take the first step - begin to love them. Recently I visited a pastor's wife who has been in the ministry for over 40 years. WOW! All I wanted to do was follow her around and learn all she had to teach me about being a pastor's wife. After spending a few days with her, I especially remember one thing she shared with me - the congregation just wants to be loved. She quoted Philippians 4:1, "Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy...." The congregation hadn't been her love and joy at the beginning, but now, after many years, she could say with tears in her eyes and a smile on her lips - "I love them; they are my joy!"

Just as seasons of the year change, my leadership roles have changed with the seasons of life. As pastors' wives, ours is a ministry of obedience and desire to please God. I close with Hebrews 13:20-21 for all pastors' wives: "May God...equip you with everything good for doing His will and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him through Jesus Christ to whom be glory forever and ever. AMEN."

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Miriam Lofquist is the daughter of Ira Ransom, missionary in Utah with BMW and a member of the IFCA for 45 years. She is the mother of five children, teaches a weekly expository Ladies Bible Study, and is an accomplished church musician. She and husband Les have been married for 23 years in June.