Help Your Daughter (child) Develop a Healthy Sexual Identity

It seems that not many Christian families can really talk about this
issue with their kids. however, a child's source for sex education
should mainly be his/her parents. If christian parents won't talk
about how kids should approach and view sexual stuff, and form godly
sexual principles, then who else will?

Let's seek God for wisdom, grace, and discernment, for us to sense the
proper time and approach for teaching our kids about this very
important issue and part of their lives.
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source:crosswalk


Help Your Daughter (child) Develop a Healthy Sexual Identity
Whitney Hopler
The following is a report on the practical applications of Sharon A.
Hersh's new book, Mom, Sex is NO Big Deal! (Shaw Books, 2006).

As a mom, you naturally want what's best for your teenage daughter,
and the thought of her experimenting with sex breaks your heart. But
in our sex-saturated culture, the majority of teens end up doing so,
anyway – even Christians who had planned and tried to stay sexually
pure.

It's a tough battle to fight. But if you help your daughter develop a
healthy sexual identity, you can help her win it. Here's how:

Build a close relationship with her. Realize that educating your
daughter about sex and asking her to sign an abstinence pledge is only
a start, and not all you need to do to help her stay pure. Understand
that, while "head" knowledge is good, "heart" knowledge is even
better. Seek to build a close emotional bond with your daughter so she
comes to truly respect you, trust you, and enjoy being with you. Know
that sharing a relationship like that with you will motivate her to
genuinely listen to you and give her the confidence she needs to risk
hard decisions when confronting temptation and pressure.

Make it a priority to spend as much time as possible with her on a
regular basis. Have fun together doing some activities she likes to
do. Let her know that she can talk to you about anything without fear
of criticism or punishment. Encourage her to share her experiences
with you openly and honestly; react with a positive attitude. Ask her
questions about her life to demonstrate interest and get to know her
well, but don't pry or try to manipulate her. Help her know that she's
safe with you and doesn't have to try to hide anything.

Make it clear to your daughter how valuable she is to you, so she'll
come to value herself and be more likely to protect her body and guard
her heart. Give her the love she needs, so she'll be less likely to
seek it through unhealthy relationships with guys.

Don't be afraid. Ask God to give you the courage you need to talk
openly and honestly with your daughter about sex. Remember that your
daughter needs to you be her ally as she navigates through some of the
most crucial decisions of her life. Don't shy away from discussing
topics like these on an ongoing basis: romance and dating, faith and
dating, married sex, sexual limits, media and sex, God and sex, sexual
harassment, abortion, sexual intercourse, alcohol and drugs and sex,
date rape, your sexual history, abstinence, oral sex, HIV/AIDS, STDs,
condoms, other forms of contraception, kissing, sexual pleasure,
making out, sexual orientation, and pregnancy.

Affirm her longings. Don't diminish the importance of your daughter's
natural longings for relationships and romance. Acknowledge that those
yearnings are an important part of growing up into a woman, and that
it's good to have them. Let her know that God gave her those longings
for a good purpose, and that it's worthwhile to wait to fulfill that
purpose in the right way – through a loving, committed marriage.

Examine your own views about sex. Consider your beliefs about sex. Do
you dread it or enjoy it, and why? Think and pray about your own
sexual experiences, and seek healing for whatever you need to achieve
a healthy perspective on sex. Realize that you need to present a
healthy example to your daughter to help her understand why sex is
valuable and worth saving herself for. Write what you have learned as
a result of your sexual experiences, and make time to discuss that
with your daughter so she can see how God has been working in your
life. Ask God to help you connect your story with her story in
redemptive ways. When you share your story with her, be direct, focus
on what God has taught you through it, and invite your daughter to
follow up by telling you her own story so far.

Explore the media's messages together. Watch TV, surf the Internet,
read magazines, and listen to music with your daughter. Then discuss
the messages presented about sex. Talk about what you each agree or
disagree with – and why.

Teach her that sex is much more than just "hooking up." Help your
daughter understand that, contrary to what our culture tells her, sex
is a big deal. Contrast God's view of sex as a sacred act that deeply
bonds two people with the culture's view that sex should be a casual
act engaged in by people in uncommitted, loveless relationships.

Point out that not everyone is "doing it." Confront messages from your
daughter's peers that she's a "freak" for choosing to remain sexually
pure. Let her know that she's not alone in her choice, and give her
the support she needs to encourage her.

Help her count the cost of sex. Explain the heavy price she'll pay if
she has sex outside of marriage – physically, spiritually, and
emotionally.

Let her know that there are rewards for waiting. Give your daughter
some real reasons for waiting by explaining the joys of sex in a
healthy marriage.

Remember that there is grace for sexual sin and foolishness. As much
as you wish your daughter will never make a mistake, know that God's
grace will redeem any mistakes she makes. Don't communicate that
sexual sin is the end of the world for her. Be willing to rely on
God's strength to forgive and help her learn from it.

Be a haven for her. Make sure your daughter knows that she can ask you
anything, tell you anything, and count on your support no matter what.
Do all you can to be there for her.

Learn about how the world has changed since you were a teen.
Understand that types of sexual pressures your daughter currently
faces. Know that today's teens are engaging in more sex and different
types of sex at earlier ages than previous generations. Realize that
sexually explicit material is more readily available than ever before,
thanks to the Internet. Keep all this information in mind as you work
to support your daughter.

Teach her that what she does with her body matters. Let your daughter
know that she should respect her body because God made it and wants
her to use it for good. Help her recognize her body's cues of arousal
and know how to respond to them to avoid going too far with her
boyfriend.

Teach her that what she does with others matters. Help her realize
that her choices about sex don't affect only her, but also other
people – her boyfriend, family, friends, and even the larger society
in which she lives. Emphasize that she needs to keep her
responsibility to others in mind when making decisions about sex.

Teach her that what she does with God matters. Tell your daughter that
God desires a close relationship with her and wants the best for her.
Encourage her to let her love for God motivate her to follow His
design for sex. Help her see how her sexual longings can lead her to
intimacy with God, who invites her to be one with Him.

Show her that waiting is actually a gift. Guide your daughter to
wisely use the time she must spend waiting to find the right person to
marry. Help her understand that waiting doesn't have to be a
frustrating experience; it can be a joyful time of discovering more
about who she is as a person and how God wants her to grow. Be sure to
notice positive qualities about her and affirm them as she waits.
Encourage her to pursue a love affair with Jesus.

Give her plenty of opportunities to make choices. Don't try to control
every aspect of your daughter's life; allow her to make her own
choices as much as possible so she can develop critical thinking
skills, grow in wisdom, and become more independent. Realize that
allowing her to make decisions about things such as what music to
listen to or how to wear her hair will give her the confidence she
needs to learn how to make choices about far greater issues – like
sex. Understand that teens often rebel by becoming sexually active;
let your daughter know that she has the power to live her life without
fear of being overly controlled by you. Show her that you respect her
enough to let her grow.

Help her recognize and avoid abusive or addictive dating
relationships. Talk with your daughter about what constitutes
emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Get to know her boyfriend well
and discourage any secretive, isolating behavior. Never hesitate to
intervene when you suspect trouble. Be your daughter's advocate,
helping to protect her from unhealthy dating relationships. Help her
make a complete break from any unhealthy relationship she may be
involved in now. Give her new, healthy activities to focus on to
replace the time and energy she had been spending on the relationship.
Evaluate any new potential boyfriends carefully.

Offer hope if your daughter thinks she's gay. Try not to react in fear
or anger. Instead, pray for the wisdom and strength to talk with your
daughter openly about the issue without driving her away. Reassure her
that you want a close relationship with her no matter what. Be humble
and compassionate as she struggles. Provide counseling for her to talk
about her sexuality with a professional who can help her deal with her
concerns.


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Adapted from Mom, Sex is NO Big Deal!: Becoming Your Daughter's Ally
in Developing a Healthy Sexual Identity, copyright 2006 by Sharon A.
Hersh. Published by Shaw Books, an imprint of WaterBrook Press,
Colorado Springs, Co., www.shawbooks.com.

Sharon A. Hersh is a licensed professional counselor and the mother of
two teenagers. Author of the acclaimed Bravehearts and three previous
books in the Hand-in-Hand line for mothers of adolescent girls, Sharon
is a sought-after speaker for retreats and conferences. She lives with
her family in Lone Tree, Co.